


Flower in a Hailstorm

by cheersmdear



Series: Flower in a Hailstorm [2]
Category: My Mad Fat Diary
Genre: Canon Compliant, F/M, Fix-It, Post-Canon
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-07
Updated: 2020-05-11
Packaged: 2021-03-02 21:41:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,184
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24063766
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cheersmdear/pseuds/cheersmdear
Summary: "Rae couldn’t count the nights when she had woken up without being able to breathe, suffocated by the fact that she had probably made a mistake, and that she wasn’t ready for this new life. She didn’t know who to talk to about it, because she didn’t want her friends and family to think she was getting worse. But the truth was, she hadn’t been getting better. The summer before she'd left had been an illusion, but the bubble had burst and she had started to understand that going back home didn’t mean she had been defeated by her illness, it just meant she knew how to listen to her own needs."This story picks up right where the final episode of My Mad Fat Diary left off (just a few months later). I wasn't very happy with the ending of the series, so I decided to write it. The main focus is obviously Finn/Rae.The title is from Flower by Eels.
Relationships: Rae Earl & Finn Nelson, Rae Earl/Finn Nelson
Series: Flower in a Hailstorm [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1731577
Comments: 13
Kudos: 28





	1. Chapter 1

Tuesday, December 22, 1998

Rae considered going back to sleep when she heard her alarm clock. She fought to keep herself from drifting off. She allowed herself to close her eyes for ten seconds – she counted. When she reached ten, she sat up straight and sighed audibly, even though there was no one to hear her. She put on her slippers and her dressing gown, and made her way to the kitchenette. She popped the kettle on and dragged her feet to the bathroom, where she stood in front of the mirror. She put some water on her face, secretly hoping it would wash away her bad thoughts at the same time.  
As much as she’d hated most of the years she had spent crammed into a small house with her mum and Karim, she didn’t know if she could take another night of being alone with her thoughts. Also, the heater wasn’t working properly and she was sick of layering her sweaters in the hope of warming up a little. Thankfully, she was going back to Stamford later that day.

It was officially winter, a season she had started to love just two years ago, when they’d had a small belated Christmas celebration with the gang. Rae had made one mixtape for everyone, because she was short on money and she couldn’t think of a better way to show someone her appreciation than to spend hours compiling songs she thought each of her friend would like. She hadn’t had time to prepare anything this year.

Life in Bristol had been underwhelming. The first week had been nothing but emotional. Moving in and decorating her flat with some of her favourite posters and pictures had painfully reminded her of when she’d started to move in with Finn. Their conversation the day before she left hadn’t helped – it had stirred her feelings and brought them back to the surface.  
The weeks after that had been bland. She missed the gang, her bedroom, and the excitement of summer. She could feel her depression creeping up on her, and the fact that she had stopped therapy didn’t seem like a good thing anymore. All the confidence she’d initially had when she’d taken the decision to move had disappeared.

Rae couldn’t count the nights when she had woken up without being able to breathe, suffocated by the fact that she had probably made a mistake, and that she wasn’t ready for this new life. She didn’t know who to talk to about it, because she didn’t want her friends and family to think she was getting worse. But the truth was, she hadn’t been getting better. The summer before she’d left had been an illusion, but the bubble had burst and she had started to understand that going back home didn’t mean she had been defeated by her illness, it just meant she knew how to listen to her own needs.  
There were still many things were holding her back, like the idea of not being able to return to university after dropping out, or how the gang would react if she came back to Stamford. But the main reason was her mum. Karim made her happier than Rae had ever seen her since her dad had left them all those years ago. Her head felt like it was going to explode every time she thought about having the conversation with her mum.  
As soon as the idea of taking a gap year had popped into her mind a few weeks ago, she had felt like a weight had been lifted off her shoulders. And even after she’d tried to chase the thought away, it had stayed in a corner of her mind. But she would have to think about that later, or she was going to be late for class.

She liked walking to school. Her heart felt lighter knowing she would be on a train home a few hours later, and she found herself humming to Sonnet by The Verve. She often listened to their album Urban Hymns; Finn had bought it for her after they’d heard Bittersweet Symphony on the radio together. It reminded her of him, but not in the same hurtful way it usually did.  
She was a little worried that things would be weird between them when they would see each other. It had also crossed her mind that he might be seeing someone – but she missed him too much to avoid him in the two weeks she would be in Stamford for.

Her morning classes seemed endless. She couldn’t concentrate. Her brain had already started taking shortcuts – it was convincing her that she wasn’t going back to Bristol after the holidays. She knew it was a bad idea, but she let her mind wander. It was the first time in months that she’d felt excited about anything. Her heart had already started to speed up as she walked back to her flat to eat quickly before catching her train. She called her mum as soon as she was done with the dishes.

“Rae?”  
“Yeah. I’m just calling to say that my train’s leaving at 1PM.”  
“D’you want me to pick you up?” her mum asked.  
“Nah, I’m alright.”  
“Good. Because mini-Bouchtat doesn’t like getting in the car.”

She couldn’t wait to see Jasmine – her little sister. Every time she looked at her, she was reminded of when she had helped her mum get to the hospital. It was still one of her greatest achievements.  
She had talked to her mum a few times on the phone, but neither of them was very good at having a conversation. Their relationship had improved in the last two years, but it was hard for Rae to overcome a whole decade of resenting her mum and not speaking to her about anything that was going on in her life. The occasional awkward hug hadn’t helped either. It was still a work in progress.  
She had already packed her bags, but she checked that she hadn’t forgotten anything once more. Because she had her priorities sorted, she had made sure to bring back all of her albums. Her band t-shirts and flannel shirts had been next, carefully folded and piled up in her suitcase.  
She was now dragging said suitcase behind her as she made her way to the train station. She hadn’t been on a train since the day she’d first left Stamford, which brought back difficult memories to her.  
The journey was quiet. She looked out the window, her leg bouncing on its own from stress or excitement – she wasn’t sure anymore. She listened to music for most of it, the four hours quickly turning into torture for her. When she started recognising the landscape, she put her coat back on and started getting ready to get off the train. She took a deep breath once the doors opened, but the cold air hurt her lungs.

“Oi, sexy girl,” a voice on her right said.  
“Chloe!” she cheered when she recognised her best friend.  
“I asked your mum what time your train was arriving and I thought I’d pick you up,” Chloe explained as she hugged her best friend.

As they made their way to Chloe’s car, laughing like school girls, Rae couldn’t help but feel at home. It was just like they were back at college; Chloe sporting an extravagant faux-fur coat and bright blue sneakers, her hand in Rae’s and talking about a boy who had tried to give her his number while she was waiting in her car. Rae was even happy to complain about her best friend having a Boyzone album in her car.  
Rae fumbled in her backpack for her keys as they reached the front door of her house. She pushed it open and told Chloe to follow her as she made her way to the living room, where her little sister was playing on the floor.

“Hiya Jasmine,” she said cheerfully, giving the little girl a kiss on the top of her head.  
“Oh, hi Rae,” her mum let out with a big smile, standing in the kitchen doorway. “Hi Chloe,” she added.  
“How are ya?” Rae asked, knowing full well that it wasn’t the best time for her mum, with Karim still in Tunisia.  
“Oh, you know. I’m happy you’re home.”  
“Happy to be home,” she echoed.

They made some tea and the two girls went up in Rae’s room. She put on Modern Life is Rubbish by Blur, because it was one of the few albums she had that Chloe liked. She put her suitcase in the corner of her room, kicked off her shoes and sat on her bed, quickly joined by her best friend.

“So, tell me everything,” she started, not yet ready to talk about what was going on with her.  
“Well,” Chloe laughed. “Not long after I called you a couple of weeks ago, I dropped out of uni. I just didn’t like it. I only went because my dad wanted me to. And you know, I’ve had a lot of nightmares about the car accident and stuff. I don’t know, it doesn’t really make any sense, it was a while ago,” she had started fidgeting with a stuffed bear Rae had on her bed, and tears were forming in her eyes.  
“Trust me, I get it.”  
“My dad was mad at me, but my mum talked to him and it’s getting better. Yeah, we’ll see. I don’t know what I’m gonna do,” she snorted quietly. “What about you then?”  
“I think I’m gonna drop out too. I like what I’m studying, but I don’t think I’m ready yet. I want to look into taking a gap year, so I can go to therapy again, make some more money to get a better apartment. I think it’s still too soon for me.”  
“Did something happen?” she tensed up, taking Rae’s hand in hers.  
“Nothing, no,” she smiled, fighting back tears. “But the past two years have been really easy for me, so I thought I was free from my illness, you know. Except that that’s not how it works. When something difficult comes up, like when me and Finn broke up, or when I moved alone to a new city to study, I don’t how to deal with that yet.”  
“Is it also ‘cause of Finn?” Chloe let out, lifting her eyebrows.  
“I’ve been thinking a lot about him, and I think I messed up when I broke up with him. I just need to figure everything out, because I can’t run back to him and pretend nothing happened. It’s just not fair to him.” She let a tear roll down her cheek, before wiping it with the back of her hand. “That being said,” she laughed weakly, taking in a breath, “Finn isn’t the reason I’m thinking of coming back. Well, he probably is, a little. But he shouldn’t be,” she glanced up to the ceiling, trying to stop crying so hard.

They stopped talking and looked at each other, their faces covered in tears. They were such a mess that they started laughing. It reminded Rae of the night of the Leavers’ Ball, when they were both scared about leaving Stamford and stepping into the unknown. And here they were again, crying about coming back. Knowing she wasn’t alone in this made Rae’s heart ache a little less.

“We should get the gang together tomorrow,” Chloe offered after they hugged on the doorstep.  
“Fuck yeah.”  
“I’m gonna call Izzy anyway, she’ll bring Chop. I’ll call Archie, I’ll let you call you-know-who,” she stuck out her tongue and got into her car.

Rae waved until she couldn’t see Chloe’s car anymore. She went back inside and looked at her mum, who was taking care of her little sister. Not wanting to ruin the moment they were having, and because she had things to do, she went back to her room. It took a few minutes for her to actually pick up the phone and dial Finn’s number. Her heart was threatening to beat out of her chest. She was ready to hung up when he picked up.

“Hello?”  
“Finn.”  
“Rae?” he gasped.  
“The one and only,” she joked to avoid the sinking feeling in her stomach after hearing his voice.  
“You’re back.”  
“I am.”  
“Do you want to come over?” he offered after staying quiet for a few seconds.  
“I’d like that.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone!
> 
> Here is the first chapter, I hope you liked it. There's not much dialog in it, because Rae was still alone in Bristol for the most part. But I can already promise a Finn/Rae and a gang reunion in the next chapter!
> 
> I might change the rating to explicit after a few chapters, we'll see. *wink*
> 
> Please do leave a comment if you liked it - or if you didn't. It really helps me find motivation to write.  
> I'm also on tumblr (same url as here, cheersmdear), you can send me requests for au/one shots/stories, and I'll try to write it!


	2. Chapter 2

Tuesday, December 22, 1998

Rae knocked twice and waited nervously until she heard someone turn the key in the lock on the other side of the door. She’d been sweating uncontrollably since she’d left her house, but her heart started beating impossibly faster and louder in her ears. The door opened, revealing Finn, who was standing with one hand on the doorknob, the other hanging awkwardly in the air. He invited her to come in, so she did.  
His flannel shirt – a new one, Rae had never seen it before – was unbuttoned, revealing the Oasis shirt Chop had given him when they’d gone to Knebworth. Rae still wore hers often, even though she’d missed the concert. He sat on his sofa and she did too, as far away from him as she could, because she didn’t know if she could handle touching him.

“I made you a cuppa,” he gestured to the table, where her favourite mug of his was, steam rising from the hot liquid.  
“Thanks,” she nodded, taking off her coat and putting it on the back of the sofa. She cleared her throat. “I was kind of expecting to get a letter from you.”  
“I know, I…” his voice trailed off. “I’m sorry. I just thought you’d want some space, and I figured you’d come back for Christmas. And I didn’t know what to say, really. I didn’t want to sound like a broken record, I had nothing else to say.”  
“I get it.”  
"Besides, you didn't write either," he added after staying quiet for a few seconds.

He searched for her eyes, his face carefully relaxing into the smallest hint of a grin, as if he wasn't quite sure if he was allowed to lighten up the mood. She snorted quietly and the left corner of her mouth quirked up. When he saw her face light up, his lips stretched into his familiar, boyish smile. She lost herself in the warmth of his brown eyes, which were filled with a yearning the made her breath catch in her chest. She was overwhelmed by the tenderness she felt for him, by how much she wanted to feel his arms around her. Instead, she sat there, on the opposite end of his sofa. She wanted to tell him that she was back, that she wasn't going back to Bristol, that they could be together. But she needed to sort things out first, and she didn't want to get his hopes up in case she changed her mind – again.

"You look good." His lashes fluttered as he looked down at his hands.  
"You don’t look so bad yourself. I like your hair."

It was the shortest his hair had ever been since she'd first met him, over two years ago. It made him look older, or maybe it was the bags under his eyes that made it seem like she hadn’t seen him in years. He was beaming after her compliment, maintaining eye-contact with a playful smile. It was still earth-shattering to Rae how much Finn liked compliments, and how confident he was in himself. She couldn’t help but fondly smile at him, shaking her head in disbelief.

“What?” he laughed.  
“Nothin’,” she rolled her eyes and grinned, “I still can’t believe how full of yourself you are.”  
“Oi!”

She scrunched up her nose, and he mimicked her expression. When they were still together, this was usually followed by Finn kissing her. It was almost like muscle memory, and Rae could tell that he felt it too, because the smile had faded from his face, and his intense gaze was travelling from her eyes to her lips. Rae almost caved in – she wanted to kiss him too. It hurt to be around him without being able to act like they usually did. She hated the weird place they were in right now, but she couldn’t handle him not being in her life again.

“Can we be friends, Rae?”  
“I don’t know if I can handle your big head anymore,” she teased him.  
“I’m sure you’ll find a way.”  
“Of course, I’d love that,” she replied on a more serious tone. She wanted to ask questions, to know how he was, but she wasn’t sure if she was ready to hear the answer. She took a deep breath and ignored the fact that her heart was threatening to beat out of her chest. “How have you been?”  
“I’ve been better. Everything’s shit now, with all you being gone,” he chuckled to downplay the importance of what he was saying. “I’m glad you all went on to do great things. I’m just gutted that I don’t get to have that buzz of a new beginning, you know? Everything’s the same for me. Except I’m alone,” he explained.  
“It’s not that great, if that’s any comfort to you. I wish I could go back,” she sighed, taking a sip from her cup of tea. “You’re not spending Christmas alone, are ya?”  
“Nah, I’m going to my Dad’s, day after tomorrow.” He started biting his nails, looking away for the first time. “Should we do something here with the gang tomorrow?” he suggested.  
“That’s what me and Chloe were thinking. If that’s okay with you, of course.”

He nodded quietly. Rae could feel the conversation dying down. She couldn’t think of anything to say that wasn’t “I’m sorry” or “I love you”, but she wanted them to move past this in-between stage of their relationship, so she figured it was best to keep it to herself. She felt like she was back to the time before they were even together, when she was desperate to find something clever or funny to say. She gave up this time.

“I should probably go.”  
“Let me drive you home, it’s probably cold as hell.”

She didn’t argue and finished her cup of tea. She put her coat back on and stood uncomfortably in the middle of the living room, waiting for him to get his keys and a coat. When she saw him in his old blue corduroy jacket, she froze. It was just a stupid coat, but it was another proof that she couldn’t be around him without hurting. She saw him everywhere she went, in everything she loved, in all the things they used to share before she ended their relationship. Everything about him, from the way he spoke to his clothes, reminded her of a moment they had shared together, making the whole situation hurt even more. And in that moment, she also realised that she was ready to take on the pain of seeing him, if it meant that they could, someday, be together again.

“Alright?” he asked.  
“Yeah.” She swallowed the lump in her throat and followed him.

Being with him in his car always made her feel so grown up, and this time was no exception. She liked watching him drive, because he was so calm and confident. She loved the way he would knit his eyebrows when he was focused on something – driving or anything else, really. When he started the engine, music filled the car.

“There’s no fucking way you still listen to Babylon Zoo,” she enunciated when she recognised the voice.  
“I always did, just not when you were here,” he chuckled, his mouth curved into a smile and his eyes fixed on the road. “There are other albums in the glove-box.”  
“Suede, Pulp or Primal Scream?” she enumerated.  
“The Suede one is probably one of yours, I still have some ‘round the flat.”  
“D’you think you have my Stone Roses album? I can’t find it anywhere,” she asked, watching him purse his lips as he thought about it.  
“I might, yeah.”

Rae picked Coming Up by Suede, and skipped the first songs until she heard the beginning of Beautiful Ones. She relaxed in her seat and forced herself to look outside the window, instead of to her right. The sun had set while they were still at his flat and the sky was clear enough to see stars. When the song ended, Finn skipped a few others and The Chemistry Between Us started playing. She turned her head to look at him. Their eyes met and they exchanged a knowing smile, Rae’s heart tightening in her chest.

And maybe we’re just kids who’ve grown, and maybe not,  
And maybe when we’re on our own, we don’t have much,  
But oh, we are young and not tired of it,  
Oh, we are young and easily lead,  
Oh, with all the kids getting out of their heads

“Thanks for the ride,” she beamed as they reached her house.  
“Anytime,” he smiled. “I’ll see you tomorrow, then.”  
“See you tomorrow.”

Wednesday, December 23, 1998

“C’mere Raemundo!”

Chop’s voice covered everyone else’s, as Rae followed Finn inside the living room. She was late, her mum had asked for help with her little sister just as she was about to leave, and she hadn’t been able to resist Jasmine’s face. Chop’s arms wrapped around her, and she let herself enjoy it. She saw Izzy’s smiling face just above her friend’s shoulder, and she recognised Archie’s laugh in the background.  
She had to pause for a second to take it all in. The three and a half months she had spent without seeing the gang weren’t much in theory, compared to the two wonderful years she’d shared with them. But the jokes and the laughs she was already hearing reminded her how much she loved them, and why they were her friends. It was like she had never left.

She sat down with Chloe and Izzy when things calmed down a little, leaving the boys to catch up together in the kitchen. Izzy started telling them about university, and she seemed to really enjoy it. There was something in the way she talked that made her seem more mature. She looked happy.

“How are things with Chop?” Chloe asked excitedly.  
“They’re great,” Izzy exclaimed. “We get to see each other every weekend, which is amazing. I’ve started working at a fast food when I don’t have any classes, and Chop’s been taking extra shifts so we can save up and move in together.”  
“That’s great!”  
“What about you girls?”  
“We’re dropping out,” Chloe laughed.  
“Shush, I haven’t told anyone yet.”  
“You mean you haven’t told Finn,” she teased Rae, who snarled at her.  
“You guys are gonna get back together?” Izzy’s eyes widened as she whispered, but she might as well have yelled.  
“I don’t know.”

She urged the girls to change the subject. She couldn’t imagine the ripple effect of Finn over-hearing their conversation. Chloe went on the explain how much she’d hated business school, and how she was glad to be back home. Just as she felt her mind drift away from the conversation, Rae felt a hand on her shoulder. She turned around to find Archie smiling down warmly at her. She got up and hugged him.

“How have you been, university boy?” she teased him as they walked away from the girls to have a chat.  
“Pretty great, what about you? What’s that I hear about dropping out and getting back together with someone?” He raised his eyebrows.  
“Fuck’s sake,” she mumbled. “I’m thinking of dropping out, because I don’t feel ready to be away from home. But I still have to tell my mum, who’ll probably move back home instead of staying in Tunisia with Karim. So, I’m not looking forward to that,” she explained, pursing her lips. “And about Finn… Well, I don’t know what else to say. I miss him.”  
“He did kiss Katie Springer, though.”  
“He did. But we weren’t together at the time, and I pushed him away.”  
“Still, he was supposed to support you and he blew it.”  
“You’re really angry at him, aren’t ya?” she teased him a little bit.  
“He’s a dickhead. He’s my best mate and I love him, but he’s a dickhead for what he did to you,” he pushed his glasses up his nose, something he did when he was flustered. “I hope, if you do get back together, that you’ll kick his ass for it.” Rae laughed at how similar he sounded to Finn after the whole fake date drama.  
“Yeah, yeah, I will,” she chuckled.

They got back to the others, who were all piled up on the small sofa. Archie laid on top of all of them, and Rae grabbed Finn’s polaroid camera to snap a picture. In the midst of all this agitation, she caught Finn looking at her, eyes filled with longing, and her heart stopped for a few seconds.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hiya!
> 
> I really enjoyed writing this one, because it had a lot more dialogue. I hope you liked it!  
> Please do leave a comment to tell me what you liked/how I could improve/what you would like to see next.
> 
> Thanks for all the feedback so far.  
> Reminder that I'm also on tumblr (cheersmdear.tumblr.com).
> 
> To be continued... xx


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